What really is Submission?

What is submission?
Submission is a word that we hear tossed around pretty often lately but I often wonder if most people really understand what it means. Being a "submissive" has become very popular in the D/s, BDSM fad that is sweeping the chat rooms and websites. There's even a fashion and cultural trend based on some of the facets of the BDSM lifestyle. You can find collars and leather fetish items being worn by the rich and famous or you can have dinner in one of New York's newest, trendy restaurants that features all the trappings of the lifestyle dungeon, complete with submissive waiters and waitresses. All of these things are interesting and amusing but they are not a true picture of
what it's all about. Submission isn't a fad or a role playing game that we see so often online and at clubs, and you aren't a submissive because you like to be tied up and have kinky sex once in awhile.





So what is it? Submission is the act of surrendering some or all of ones personal power to another person. It's allowing someone else to control your body and behavior within certain preset limits. This must be a willing act on the part of the submissive or the boundaries of abuse have been crossed. The methods and levels of submission are infinite. Each person must decide how much and how far this exchange of power will go but the rules of "safe, sane and consensual" must always apply.
Why does anyone do this?


I believe there are three distinct types individuals who fall into the definition of submissive.(these are my own ideas)


The sexual submissive. Also known as a bottom or sensual sub. This type of submissive is into it mainly for the sexual gratification derived from some of the activities practiced in BDSM. Once their needs are met they no longer feel a need to submit or surrender any other personal power or control.





The psychological submissive. This group contains many of the masochistic submissives. They are into it for the pain, punishment and humiliation often inflicted on them by more sadistic dominants. Many abused individuals often end up in this category and are not actually submissives but may have emotional problems that keep them in the "victim" mode because of their previous experiences.





The natural submissive. Also called true submissive. This type of individual seems to have been born submissive. It goes beyond the sexual aspects of the BDSM and is a normal part of their makeup. It is their nature to please others and readily relinquish their personal power with little or no urging from their dominant.




So which one is right?

All of them or none of them, depending on your views. Each person must do what is right and fulfilling for them. There have been countless, needless argument over who is and who is not a "real" submissive. Some start out as a sensual sub with little interest in pleasing anyone but themselves and end up growing into some of the most beautiful submissives in our lifestyle. It's not the right of anyone to judge who is and isn't submissive based on what activities satisfy them or how many scars or piercings they may have.

Submission is a condition of the heart and only the individual knows what is in theirs.



I believe that humans are no different. It's important to understand that I see a big difference between being a "submissive" and being a "bottom." A bottom is someone who will, for sexual gratification, become submissive for a given period of time, i.e. for a sexual encounter in the bedroom or during a BDSM scene. They have no other desire to continue a power exchange beyond the confines of a particular scene. Many can easily switch roles in these scenes and become the top or dominant. This is very different from a natural submissive who, by nature, has submissive desires that are not limited to sexual activities.


Some Different Terms
I'd like to bring up another "touchy" subject to some lifestylers and that is the difference between BDSM and D/s. BDSM has been defined as B-D-S-M with the "B-D" being bondage/discipline, the "D-S" meaning dominance/submission and the "S-M" for sadism/masochism. Some consider all these terms to be interchangeable definitions and activities but I think it's very misleading to most novices. D/s does not fit in with the other terms for one major reason. Domination/submission is a description of a lifestyle. BD and SM are two things people do. Some D/s couples readily accept these two activities as part of their relationship but a large percent of D/s couples do not embrace activities that are based on giving or receiving pain.


So what separates the masochist from the submissive?
My answer would have to be motivation. A submissive is motivated by the desire to please and to serve. When pain becomes necessary for satisfaction or fulfillment, the relationship has moved beyond my definition of the D/s lifestyle and had moved more toward S/M. When pain becomes the motivation and gratification comes from receiving pain, the person could best be described as a masochist. This difference is often evident in the behavior of these two types of personalities. A SAMmy (Smart Ass Masochist) deliberately misbehaves or challenges their dominant in order to receive the punishment (pain or humiliation) they crave. Outside the confines of a scene or other sexual encounter there may be very little submission evidenced in the relationship. A submissive (one who desires to submit) is constantly striving to improve their behavior in order to please their dominant by surrendering to his/her rules and expectations. Submission, in the confines of a D/s relationship, is not measured by the amount of pain one can endure, instead it is measured by the amount of control one has relinquished to their dominant.



Is one better than the other?
No, not to anyone but the people in the relationship. Just keep in mind that pain or bondage are not the basis for determining a dominant/submissive relationship. It's based on a power exchange and not the trappings of the people involved. Don't automatically assume all submissives want or need to feel discomfort or pain (beyond erotic pain) to experience submissive tendencies and desire to relinquish control.


Here are just a few facts about submission that might give you some more insight.

Submission occurs in both males and females in about equal proportions. Although men and women may express it differently, they share this trait.
Submission is not a sign of weakness or inferiority. Some of the strongest, most successful people in our society are submissive in their personal relationships.
Submission does not indicate lack of intelligence or motivation. Most submissives are very intelligent, creative and are highly motivated people.
Submission is not a hidden desire for pain or humiliation. Some masochistic people may turn to the D/s or BDSM lifestyle in order to fulfill their needs for these things but there are many more gentle, loving individuals who are quite happy not to receive either humiliation or pain.


Submission is not the same as passivity. Submissives are not passive. They participate actively and are thinking individuals.

Submission is not something that can be demanded or forced. The definition of the word means it is a willing act. A submissive submits because they have chosen to do so, not because someone forced them.

Submission is not a miserable state of existence. Most submissives are happy, well balanced people who are simply fulfilling their nature.

Submission is not slavery. All slaves are submissive but not all submissives are slaves. A submissive has not given up their right to choose but has given some of those choices to another to make for them. They have input into their relationship and maintain their identity.

Submission does not indicate sexual promiscuity. Submissives are not sex crazed nymphomaniacs who cannot control their drives. Most are husbands or wives, mothers or fathers, friends, neighbors, workers, or family members who have a need to relinquish control of some aspects of their lives to someone they trust. It isn't a sex thing...it's a condition of the heart.




So tell us is it Reality or Fantasy?

Have you ever had a experience that you would like to share?

(please leave Comments)

Safer Dominance & Wax

The usage of hot wax is an often found technique in BDSM, a unique sensation which is either loved or hated.

First of all - be very careful - wax can burn you very badly!

The temperature is highly dependant on the kind of wax you use. Don't use beeswax, it gets very hot and can cause serious injuries.
Additives do make a difference in the temperature of the candle's wax, but the ones to watch out for are hardeners such as those used in dripless candles. Often the most expensive candles are the ones that burn with the highest degree of heat, for a beginner you will want to start with cheap, paraffin based ones (simple white paraffin candles).

Before you use dripping wax on your partner - try it out on yourself (on a sensitive spot like your wrist), so you will know how it feels and which height might be the best for the wanted effect.

Be careful when dripping wax on regions where you already left wax - these spots cool down slower and you can seriously hurt you partner.

Don't forget you are playing with fire - means: A bucket of water or a fire extinguisher can be useful things.

Peeling the wax off, can be as much fun as dropping it. As it pulls away from the skin, the sensation is very intense, and running a feather or even a tongue over this sensitized skin is a very sexy way to prolong the waxing session.

Wax on hair can be a real pain - especially when trying to peel it off under the shower later - think hard before you do it :-)

Don't forget - Wax can be dangerous - you don't want to hurt your partner seriously, always remember: it should be fun for both.

Is it ok for WOMAN to be Dominate?

I had a rather interesting weekend!

My husband and I got into a rather interesting conversation. It might not be that interesting to me because it got quite nasty meaning he was rude about it. but to other s it might get you thinking about it. and you can ask yourself this question as well.

(D is my husband)

On Sat. nite "D" said that he would go to church with me on sunday.

Sunday came along and he looked at me and said "I don't think I can sit there" now take it from me he says this a lot to me (every sunday).I didn't say much except ok whatever and then I left for church myself.

Ok I got home and I went to change out of my Sunday sweater into a sweatshirt as I sat on the bed D touched my back and I looked over at him and I didn't have smile yet, but I thought to myself just leave it alone Laur - so I did nd I had a pleasant smile.

Well I decided what the heck he was going to get out of bed if I had to sit up on him and tickle him or kiss him or whatever. So I did and I straddled him and he thought oh boy now this is getting good so we kissed abit and he was passionate about it. Then I sat straight up and he tickled me abit and then we had small talk and then he said "is this what you learned in Church Laur" he said it as a joke and laughed and I laughed too. I said "yeah right ok and said No" and laughed Then he persisted to touch me in places I wasn't ready to be touched because I wanted to seduce him 1st so I said nicely "no you can't touch me there yet, you have to wait" he laughed abit. Then I told him" let me make you feel good first" He then tried to touch my breasts and I said "no not yet and let me do what I was planning to do" He got upset and pushed me off and turned away from me. I thought ok what the world is going on here. So I tried to touch him and he shoved my hand away. I tried to talk to him about it and he told me that "A woman has no right be dominate" so I tried to find out why and I explained that all I was trying to do was make him feel good for once and I tried to explain to him that I was trying to seduce him and he ignored me and wouldn't look at me.

So this brought up another conversation (with me only talking now). There has been many times that I have tried to seduce him and everytime I have tried he brushes me off or pushes me away. I asked him what is up with that? He didn't say anything to me and just let me cry. Then I said that I would like to someday be the seducer but if he wouldn't let me then I need to be satisfied too with my wants and needs also. He still didn't say a word. then I asked him if he liked what I was saying - he still didn't say a word. Then I said "well I guess if you keep pushing me way or brushing me off I will just have to figure something else out for myself." Then he said "well there you go." meaning what I don't know?? Then I asked "can a woman be at all in your eyes be a dominate figure and try to seduce you at all instead of you doing all the seducing?"Then I said "I remember you telling me your way back experiences with a few woman you let them sedue you out in a field somewhere and you also told me that while you were in the army you had a few hookers her and there and you let them seduce you as you told me - so why amd I any different?" He then said "well are you asking for permission to go out behind my back Laur?" I said "no I am not asking for permission D but you need to satisfy my needs to and how many times have I tried to seduce you and you would let me? I am tired of it and of you being so selfish and it seems like you are into this just for your pleasure and the hell with mine." He then said "well I guess you want to seduce me into some kinky shit eh." I told him "no I never said that ." I know he is not that kind of guy in the first place. (In my thoughts but not in the open I have thought boy it would be nice to ram something up his arse without lubrication of any kind to let him see how it feels - LOL - but I never told him that - maybe I should?)

I asked him what happened here we were laughing, kissing, cuddling,hugging and etc just few minutes ago but when I was trying to seduce you and being a little dominate some - now this is what I deserve from you? I don't think I deserve to be treated like this from you or anyone. and then he got up and didn't say a thing and walked off from me.

All day there was silence neither of us said a thing to each other all day - he did ask me later to go to the store with him but I never said a word. we got home and about 5:33pm D went to bed and sleep for awhile came back out and leaned over to kiss me and said I love you - I didn't respond and I am not going to. I am tired of him being so selfish.

So does a woman have a right to seduce a man at all? Does a woman have the right to be a dominate figure?

D does like pain - one thing that I think is so weird is that he loves it after sex when he hands me the tweezers and he wants me to pull out the hairs off his back - he says it relaxes him. My Gosh I think that is WEIRD! It is a freaky fetish??? I have never had a guy that loves that as much as he does. But you know what I do it just to please him.

It seems to me that I do a lot of things to please him and he just doesn't want to please me.

Any comments on this would be helpful. Is this normal for a guy to think sex is just for all him?

Is it a work of ART? or not?

I am wife of a wonderful husband that treats me right now and I am a Christian Lady. But is it so bad that I like to show off my body because I take the body as being a form of Art?

I placed some of my photos on Flickr lately of myself in positions that were sexy and sensual. No my Husband did not know that I had done this. I took them off only because I felt guilty for what I did. I know that I have many people that love my digital photographs. But is it wrong to show off myself like that in public? I think my Christianity stuck out there to and so I felt bad for what I have done. But I love to have people look and make comments about my photographs. Is it so wrong to do the things I have done with my nude body? I have a Wild Heart and I love Jesus and My husband a lot. But why do I love to "show off" is it because I look for approval of others? Maybe it is because I don't hear it enough here at home? I know my God loves my body but is it wrong to show it off even if I am married?

I haven't posted in awhile but I need others imput on my situation here. so please leave your comments and be kind.

Yes I have a Wild Heart and I love the attention & I love to show off my work of art.